When Will I Be Famous?

...So I met this girl the other day who was born in the States but spent most of her childhood in the UK. She used to live somewhere just south east of London I think - possibly Virginia Waters (where HRH Sarah Ferguson comes from). Anyhow, it turns out that this girl (not Fergie) used to date a very famous Britishpop star. They were an item before he got famous (there's a cunning clue) and went out for two years. They had to hide her from the fans to maintain the illusion that this guy was still single (thereby making himmore attractive to the girls who buy his records) - they even had to smuggle her into hotels and stuff. Can you guess who he was? A few more clues - the 80s, teen sensation, fluffy disposable pop, there were two of them (that's a massive clue!). Answer at the bottom of the column...

...I'm reliably informed that "Carry On" star Joan Simms has just had her biography published. Apparently she was interviewed on BBC Breakfast Time and was talking about her experiences. She spoke about her time on the "Dick Emery Show" and ended off by saying that it was her happiest experience as she "just loved Dick!" The interviewer started to laugh and couldn't go to the next link. It just had to be rolled unannounced. Ooh you are awful...

...A Las Vagas friend of mine (I'm really not sure what you call people from Las Vegas - Las Vegans?) was amused by my comments on travel distances in America. He likens Las Vegas to a city spread like spilt batter: the same population as San Francisco, just with ten times the area. He regularly drives 30 miles to his favourite restaurant and the closest decent nightclub is just as far away...

...I received a note from a friend in the UK informing me that that bastion of good taste and informed, balanced reportage, "The Times", had an article on clubbing in Ibiza and the infamous whorehouse/gurner's paradise Manumission. The article was entitled "Clubbing: Kathleen Wyatt on a bit of a surprise on fun-loving Ibiza". My friend thought that Kathleen Wyatt may have been one of the many pseudonyms I've used over the years (alongside Thomas Harrison, Hector Lopez and Banfield Cane Jnr). In fact, it's not - but what's really bizarre is that Kathleen Wyatt was the name of my late grandmother, who I like to think is smiling benignly down upon me as I get spangly on the podiums myself...

...Said friend also informed me he's off to Glastonbury Tor on June 21st to watch the sun rise and celebrate the Summer Solstice. [American readers - the Tor is all tied up in the legends of King Arthur and there are many tales of druids, faeries and general pagan ritual associated with the spot. The Tor itself is a small hill which affords breathtaking 360-degree views of the surrounding countryside - it sort of looms up out of the landscape. Back in Arthurian times it is said that the Tor was an island as the surrounding low-lying countryside was flooded - it's from here that we get the legends of the Lady Of The Lake.] A few years back I used to make frequent pilgrimmages to the Tor for the Spring and Autumn Equinoxes and the Winter and Summer Solstices - it's a spectacular spot to soak up  mystical vibes and generally contemplate your place in the grand scheme of things. On the 21st he's expecting the Tor to be populated with hippies, crusties, pagans, locals, dogs on strings, and the predictable posse of spaced-out bongo players. To be honest, that's a typical stroll down Haight Street for me...

...Is that your final answer? Yes, of course it was Bros! For my American readers, Bros were these two boys who looked like the bastard offspring of George Hamilton and an Aryan supremacist - perma-tanned, inane grins, blond hair, blue-eyed, squealing voices. They were massive in the UK in the mid-to-late 80s with hits like "When Will I Be Famous?" and, er, that's all I can remember. This girl dated Matt, the singer, as opposed to Luke, the slightly uglier drummer. Their brand of synth-pop fodder invoked full-on, Beatles-esque hysteria in millions of young girls - some of whom are reading this missive right now I might add...

Namaste,

Kieran

He was born with a gift of laughter
and a sense that the world was mad.

Rafael Sabatini